if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.


MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.


If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me


My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20


[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*


Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants


My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.


Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.


Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”


That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.