@kiralc

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

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@RobinMcCauley

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

@KentWGraham

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.

@AimeeHelene1

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

@geekysteven

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

@extranapkins

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

@BradBroaddus

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

@shanethevein

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

@JoeRegular4

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

@Marcmywords2

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.