If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
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waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
They must have gotten it to go.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4