If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

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Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late


ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*


Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”


I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.


Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…


Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.


Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.


my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped



*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched


FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?


ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth