@fro_vo Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
@BunAndLeggings If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
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@fro_vo 
@KalvinMacleod ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
@3sunzzz Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
@adult_mom I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
@TheBoydP Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
@HomeProbably Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
@BerrymoreBlue Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
@LizerReal my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
@skullpuppy11 *E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
@daemonic3 FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth