@BunAndLeggings

If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.

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@fro_vo

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*

@3sunzzz

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

@adult_mom

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

@TheBoydP

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

@HomeProbably

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

@BerrymoreBlue

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

@LizerReal

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

@skullpuppy11

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

@daemonic3

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth