If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
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My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.