@LindseyEllison2

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

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@krisv_723

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

@lisaxy424

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

@TheHyyyype

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

@Swishergirl24

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

@YesImMatt

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

@iAmDelFreaky

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

@rtothegow

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

@meganamram

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

@jwoodham

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

@BlindChow

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that