If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
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Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.