If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.


If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.


HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!


I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.


When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?


Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.


Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.


When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid


In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.


[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that