If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
girls literally only want one thing..
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?