@ManJuggs

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

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@CorkyKneivel

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

@mattytalks

Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please

@slimmy_shady

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

@AbbyHasIssues

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

@vladchoc

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

@Izianikapani

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

@paminski

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

@noog

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

@slimmy_shady

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.