@ItalianBratikus I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
@ManJuggs If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
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@ItalianBratikus 
@CorkyKneivel Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
@mattytalks Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
@slimmy_shady Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
@AbbyHasIssues On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
@vladchoc Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
@Izianikapani I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
@paminski My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
@noog Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
@slimmy_shady Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.