If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
All. The. Damn. Time.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room