If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
my name if I was in the mob
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.