If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
How to find Kentucky on a map
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February