If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
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So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 馃檭
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 馃槈
Me: I don鈥檛 have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what鈥檚 my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that鈥檚 so weird i鈥檒l resend it now
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
馃槕
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it鈥檚 easier to clean up the murder scene
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I鈥檓 wearing right now, apparently.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I鈥檝e eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys