If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.