If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Autocorrect is my menesis
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
This is why I hate group projects
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago