If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
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[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.