if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
You Might Also Like
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks