if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
You Might Also Like
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
That’s classic.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
January has been Januweary
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]