If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
I am, perchance
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
#MeanwhileinCanada
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”