If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
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I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
No, he would not have.
Orange is oranging 🟠
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH