If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
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One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”