If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
You Might Also Like
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder