If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
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Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?