If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

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Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]


[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?


“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”


Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”


Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man


There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.


Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.


Our middle child says we neglect him/her.


Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.


Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this