If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.