Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are

ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope

Detective: Don’t leave town.

Me, thinking about gas money: Ok

The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.

8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.