If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
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*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I missed you with all my darts
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.