If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr