If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
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Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.