If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
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DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
🤣could you imagine
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I unironically love this joke.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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