If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Had a spot of bother earlier.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough