If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
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Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying