If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.