@RickAaron

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

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@mikeyspiritDC

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

@dogfather

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

@RandiLawson

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

@MariyaAlexander

If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?

@BenSasse

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

@schumoo

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

@Flora__Flora

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

@elle91

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

@Jake_Vig

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

@JakeSocial

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.