@mikeyspiritDC If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
@RickAaron If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
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@mikeyspiritDC 
@dogfather Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
@RandiLawson Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
@MariyaAlexander If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
@BenSasse I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
@schumoo Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
@Flora__Flora How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
@elle91 They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
@Jake_Vig MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
@JakeSocial “Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.