If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
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ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
*Inspirational Tweets*
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together