If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*