If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
omg leave her alone
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit