If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
no cat here
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck