If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*