If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
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I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.