If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle