If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Just ordered me some pizza!
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.