If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.