If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
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[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Not helping
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …