if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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Oh hi lol
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
A small tragedy.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”