If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Finally!
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables