If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
You Might Also Like
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back