If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena