If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
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If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Spider-cat: No One Home
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”