If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
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We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy![]()
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
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