if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Rambo Rambow
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.