If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
My blood type is coffee.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?