If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
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I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man