If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
You Might Also Like
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I am, perchance
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?