If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
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An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛