If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
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“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”