If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

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I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.


[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*


Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.


Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.


I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot


I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??