If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you. - @staufff

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

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