If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
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Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played